Officially Out of Denial...

It started a few days ago - maybe last week. I can't be sure now. Husband said something about how soon he would be leaving. Well, it hit me like a lightening bolt. I KNEW this deployment was coming up fast, but I guess my mind hadn't put it in days until just recently.

Now, it's just about time. I cannot begin to express how much I'm dreading this.

One of husband's friends will come pick him up the morning he leaves. On his first trip to the desert, daughter was a baby and we took him to the hangar to say our good-byes. It was very hard to watch all these smiling wives, while I was doing everything I could to hold back the tears. And you know how well that works. Not sure about you all, but it seems like the harder I try not to cry, the more I need to cry. I sobbed the entire way home, which thankfully wasn't very far.

This last trip to Iraq from 2003 to 2004, husband had a buddy pick him up. After our first experience with deployment good-byes, we both knew we didn't enjoy saying our good-byes in public. So, this time we'll once again say our good-byes in the privacy of our own home, where I can sob like a fool for as long as I want to after he leaves.

I can remember being the new Mommy, the not so experienced Army wife and fairly young to boot and thinking, surely this good-bye thing will get easier through the years. It can't possibly be this hard and scary EVERY time. Goodness, was I ever wrong. Instead, we both agree that it gets harder and harder. You have more years behind you, more memories, more time together, you're closer emotionally...it all combines to make the good-byes harder each and every time.

So, I'm officially out of denial. I know this because I came home from dropping off the babies at school this morning and had that all too familiar feeling when getting out of the car. That feeling of not wanting to go inside where the life we've built together is everywhere, not wanting to be in our home without him here, not wanting to be a single mom... All the usual things I feel those first few weeks after he leaves, only he hasn't left yet.

Before I could pour my coffee, the tears began. After all these years, the fact that I cry before and after he leaves no longer embarrasses me. It's just the way I handle it. Some folks don't cry - some do. I've learned there is no "right" way to handle deployments, only what works best for each person.

I'll give myself a good week or so to cry whenever I get the urge. After that, it's time to get busy...start a new project on our old house, learn something new, find a new hobby. Anything that will get me moving forward and out of the pity party for one mindset. It usually works - and hopefully it will this time too. My only problem is finding that thing to do...the project, the hobby or whatever it is I decide on. Guess I need to paint the kitchen cabinets, but gosh I don't wanna ;).

Reality has set in though and it made for a crappy day. The tears continued off and on all day. I needed to go to the commissary and instead, I stayed home and cried whenever I got the urge. The hard part was picking up the babies from school. I'd done good this afternoon until I got in the car. The harder I tried not to cry, the more the tears streamed. So, just as I did two years ago when daughter went to this school, I sat in the car outside the school as long as I could trying to get the tears to stop. Then, I wore my sunglasses into the lobby to wait for son to make his way down the hall. The entire time hoping none of the other parents noticed the red faced, all stuffed up Mom. Sheesh.

I sure wish I was able to turn off the tears at will, but apparently I just don't work that way. Yep, out of denial...

posted by Shannon at 2:11 PM   |    |  

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